Divorce just …Sucks

Major Disclaimer, PLEASE READ: In the following blog, I discuss how the news concerning yet another divorce has rocked my world. I wrote this as a stream of consciousness as I unfolded my frustration in a burst of emotional release. I decided not to edit a word of it and opted to add this disclaimer as cooler heads prevail. I DO believe divorce is at times the BEST option for couples. Sometimes terminating a relationship is the BEST thing to do rather than risk the termination of other things with relational collateral damage. I hold absolutely no judgment on those who divorce because, as I describe in my blog, I am not that couple. Sometimes you try and try to figure it out and it goes nowhere. So here is my rant, founded on a world of hurt.  Again, I wrote this within about 15 minutes and decided not to change a word. It comes from a very personal place.

In my last blog I referred to the issue of the need to be inspired to write a blog about something. Of course, if you have read my blog at all you know I already come “pre chambered” with an opinion or two on just about everything…so I do not lack for material.

However it was recently that I heard some terribly sad news -I guess you would call it the straw that broke the camel’s back- that does not inspire me to write a blog, it demands it. I am pretty emotional at the moment.

I am sure many reading these words are all too familiar with the sting of divorce either through personal experience, family or friends. If there is one commonality that I have found in nearly all divorce proceedings it is that they SUCK. I have yet to speak to a person that stated, “Wow, that divorce was awesome and felt great!” Even in the best cases in which divorce was clearly the best option and was deemed necessary for a variety of reasons, the process and fallout are never pretty.

Divorce is literally a death. In some cases, it is a fate worse than death.  It is the death of the deepest part of us that shares the deepest intimacy we can have with another person.  Yes, the love, excitement, passion can seem no longer present, though once we give that part of our self to another human being, they will forever own a part of that cherished real estate of our deepest intimacy.

That’s just the way it works, for better or for worse.

Thus when I heard yet another story of a couple who have been together for decades, deciding to divorce, I grieved. Frankly it is none of my business and I hold NO judgment on them…AT ALL. I am not in their head. I do not know their deepest feelings. I do not know their dynamics. Damn, divorce could be the best thing for them.

So what and why am I grieving?

I grieve the hurt being felt by the children.

I grieve a united soul officially torn in half.

I grieve the messiness and negative energy that will flourish in court proceedings, family functions and holidays.

I grieve the frailty of the human condition.

I grieve another statistic.

For those of you reading this blog who are my critical thinking students, you know full well my take on traditional marriage. It is a flailing and failing “institution.” If one were to start a business with the same odds of achieving a traditional, happy and successful marriage…we would call you a very shitty businessperson at best, insane, at worst. The odds are overwhelming.

So what are you saying Jimmy?

I recall watching the Lakers play several years ago when Phil Jackson was still the coach. Phil had an interesting philosophy when his team was playing poorly and most coaches would stop the game and call a timeout to think it over.

Not Phil.

He kept his players on the court so they could figure it out on their own.

Figure it out.

Figure it out.

Figure it out.

Relationship woes? Figure it out.

We all can play through it and figure it out. Be creative. Think outside the box. Just figure it the fuck out. Please.

Disclaimer, Part II: I must comment that Phil’s strategy did not always pay-off. By not calling time-out sometimes the opponents momentum was so strong the lead became insurmountable, despite a strong comeback. I get it.

jimmysintension

7 Comments

  1. In keeping with my new tradition on commenting on your blogs, I will have to deviate,though, from my usual sarcastic and humorous(?) remarks. I am sad to hear that word when it’s someone I know or a random celebrity couple. Divorce sucks, period.

  2. Diane…pretty sad topic, no sarcasm necessary. Craig…sorry. Painful.

  3. Indeed divorce sucks! My parents decided to separate 10 years ago. It tore our family apart, literally. Some chose team Dad, team Mom… But what I agree most with your blog is “figure it out!” It was only a couple days ago that my Dad stop by to talk, what about? My Mom and how he could never forgive her. Yet he was telling how he still loved her and still panic when he can’t get ahold of her or know where or who’s she with. Needless to say I was confused because 10 years later? Figure it out! Why put a family through that? How does a couple go from “madly in love” to divorce x amount of years later? Where does the love go? Figure it out! FIGURE IT OUT!

    • I am sorry Vanessa. It can be a mystery. I suppose if we could figure it out we would.

  4. Well said Jimmy … Having been there, done that I know all too well the realities of the death of a marriage. It makes no difference what the causes are, the Bible says that “two shall become as one” and whether you ascribe to Christian beliefs or not, that’s what happens in the beginning and when the end comes, regardless of the reasons, it”s as though a part of “one’s” heart is savagely removed without benefit of anesthesia. It may not happen immediately because of a sense of relief but soon the wondering of “what might have been”, the memories of the good times, begins to tear at the soul. I’ve been divorced from my ex for 37 years and even though it led to 22 years of life with the most amazing woman … I still hurt from time to time when I stumble, once again, into “what might have been.”

    • This comment is so much better stated than I could ever state. You are an amazing writer (not to mention person) and I am so pleased that you shared your wisdom on my blog. I look forward to seeing you again next year! 🙂

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