Old Fart Disease

If any of jimmysintension readers have been engaging with this blog with any regularity, they would certainly know my position on any number of matters- perhaps none more so than my thoughts on what is not so affectionately known as, “Old Fart Disease.”

Allow me to provide some background.

Historically, OFD was a condition that primarily effected those of advanced age. However, current trends suggest OFD may effect anyone at any time at any age. Recent studies out of Brown University do point to the idea that a growing number of young people suffer from this dreaded syndrome, which also knows no race, ethnicity, educational level, gender, class, etc…

Researchers have various theories as to why OFD is spreading in younger populations, though first let us take a look at the symptoms, how to identify the disease, and possible cures.

Symptoms often include phrases such as, “These damn kids today…” or “Well when I was growing up we did not…(fill-in activity/behavior that is now perceived reprehensible by the OFD victim).” Those who suffer from OFD may have feelings ranging from mild irritation or bewilderment on the one hand, to disgust and anger on the other.  In severe sufferers, it can dramatically affect their quality of life as feelings of contempt toward the young pervade their every thought.

OFD sufferers are known to complain about the background music in restaurants and often wonder out loud how anyone can actually like this shit. In addition, you can find them frequently verbalizing about the “crap today they call entertainment.” When dealing with one who has OFD, it is recommended by doctors to avoid contact or attempt to reason with victims as often they will deny the disease while stating they are simply, “set in their ways.”

There are currently no known cures, yet sufferers have found ways in which to cope and manage the disease, so there exists hope. It has been suggested, though not yet clinically tested, that taking a long and honest self-assessment of one’s attitudes can help manage the symptoms (usually with the needed help of a professional therapist). In addition, the afflicted can gain positive results by going back into old journals and recall memories in the attempt to remember what it was like to be the age of those who are now their OFD triggers. Though the side effects of such treatments have not been thoroughly tested, some early inconclusive reports suggest they may include psychological trauma and severe anxiety as they now are forced to have to live in reality, on reality’s terms.

It is recommended that those with OFD staunchly avoid observing younger people in their natural and unsupervised habitats, such as stores and restaurants, or any public event that has diverse age ranges. When dealing with a bout of OFD, it is suggested that one remove themselves from the location of the youngsters and turn off all media that may provide unwanted depictions of the young offenders –depictions that can set off the disease at a moment’s notice. There have been several reports that depressed OFD victims will purchase Tide pods and attend a gaming convention or Comic con in an attempt to end their life.

Unfortunately, many sufferers of OFD never fully recover and live their remaining contemptuous years in semi isolation. Should a victim choose to have relationships, they will typically surround themselves with fellow sufferers. Though such clustering (also known as OFDC, Old Fart Disease Clusters) of those with OFD may provide temporary relief of symptoms, it is known to make the disease progress far more quickly with much less hope of recovery.

As suggested, new research is shedding light that the disease may be spreading to younger generations. Experts have suggested that with the rapid growth of technology, such OFD symptoms are becoming much more prevalent among Millennials and Generation Z. There have been reports of these generations spotting young children in restaurants who are playing on their tablets and mumbling that when they were young children, they “never played on a computer when eating dinner with the family at a restaurant. That is just rude.”

Dr. Henrietta Merlow of Brown University warns, “Though it is strange to see young person acting like an old ass curmudgeon, it is a growing phenomena that we can no longer afford to ignore. It is now quite possible to suffer YOFD, “Young Old Fart Disease.”

Frequently OFD is misdiagnosed. For example, those who might critically assess new innovations in search of their unintended consequences may appear to be afflicted with OFD on the surface. However, though such behavior does mimic some symptoms of the disease, upon further observation they are actually providing benefit to the younger generations.

It is critical that diagnosis is left up to professionals.

If you fear that you or someone you love may suffer from OFD, it is important that you be evaluated for treatment immediately. The longer one remains in the state of OFD the more resistant they may become to a possible cure. If one waits too long, they may become a DOF, also known as a Dead Old Fart

Now you know.

jimmysintension

10 Comments

  1. Hi,
    My names Gabe and I’m an OFD survivor. Back when I used to suffer from chronic OFD I had my ups and i had my downs. Occasionally, I would force my children to listen to “the good stuff” on the radio and sometimes I would dance in the drivers seat to thier dismay. One time I even caught myself yelling, “HEY, STAY THE HELL OFF MY LAWN!” to a group of kids that I referred to as “Hooligans”. I knew I hit rock bottom though after I finished watching the first season of Fraiser and I uttered those cursed words, “Man, those were the days”. It was in that moment I knew I had OFD. I’m better now. I stopped using words like ‘rad’ or ‘doy’. Every now and again I have relapses though. I might be looking to score a newspaper for some of those sweet crosswords, sometimes I misplaced my glasses just to realize they’re on my face and once in a great while I’ll do a line of cursive in the bathroom. Even as I write this I keep swearing at the auto correct feature on my cellular device. I mean, why the hell does it keep changing “of” to “if” for christ sake andbwhybisbthebspacebalwaybabB and deleting looks like llllllll?! Well, there it is, my story, laying out there like a moldy pair of house shoes. The only thing I can suggest to you young people who think this can never happen to you yet you find yourself lost in memories of yore or romanticism of what used to be hip while your kids or songs say shit you just dont understand, just remember the immortal words of the greatest band to have ever lived, “life goes on brahhh, Lala how the life goes on”.

    • I vote this comment the best EVER on this blog. Damn….you are are 22 years younger than me and you are afflicted. Just goes to prove that old farts know no age. This old fart just needs to clean his bong and go eat some stuffed cabbage!

  2. Long time since I last heard from you Jimmy. I would have to disagree with your statement of “There is no known cure” I have found that by immersing yourself in the ‘younger” habitat, ie college, that you can stave off OFD indefinitely, its worked for you (and me) …so far…

  3. I’m a bit of a Freudian so I obviously blame my parents for the music they played for me when I was a backseat crumb-snatcher. I listened to the Beach Boys, Beatles, the Drifters, yadda yadda. I think. the message of that age was passed on to me through music and that may be what’s directly responsible for my OFD. Anytime you want Malfouf just say the word, ma dude!

  4. I actually relate a lot to this post. My grandparents currently live with me and have been doing so for over 4 years and each and every day they find something new to criticize my brother and I over because they do not understand today’s current generation and won’t even bother to give new things a try. “Old Fart Disease” was something I originally interpreted as an actual flatulent disease! But upon further reading, that could be not further from the truth. Older generations “senior citizens in particular” are some of the worst offenders i’ve seen, and I wish they could just realize generations can and should change, but the one constant that remains is being brave and caring for others.

    I enjoyed reading the post and the citation of what I thought were real universities for a moment!

  5. I’ve found that OFD is strongly related to senior citizens who cannot come to terms with the new world. I can strongly relate to this post, as I have seen first hand how OFD gets to those who cannot get acclimated to the new world, and thus have to stomp on everyone else around them to make themselves feel like they achieved something.

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