Another Walk Down Memory Lane: Cheating Revisited

I was perusing through some old blogs I have written (I am in my 8th year of blogging) for the purpose of finding out how some of my views have changed and evolved over the years -if at all. One particular blog that caught my eye concerned the subject of cheating, and not in the classroom exam or tax evasion sense, rather in the relational sense.

This particular blog entry received a lot of feedback…so perhaps it is time to revisit.

Since I wrote that entry back in August of 2015, a couple of things strike me. First off, it has been one of the longest blogs I have ever written -meaning I attempted to take some painstaking steps to truly be understood and not misinterpreted. Secondly, not only did I receive a lot of comments on the blog itself, it raised a lot of conversations in my “non-blog,” real life, as well. In fact, a WHOLE lot.

I would encourage you to read it if you have not done so. But, if not, I now provide you with the “Reader’s Digest” version (google it kids).

It is clearly a subject matter that not only has a lot of emotions attached to it, yet also a high level of relevance as well. It is an issue that has affected most people in some way, shape or form. If we ourselves have not cheated or been cheated on, I am certain all of us know many who have.

If I were to summarize my general argument contained in that entry nearly 5 years ago, the 4 bullet points would be as follows:

  • Cheating is a hugely emotionally volatile issue. Many “victims” of cheating cannot discuss it without feelings of deep hurt and anger. It is a trigger. It is difficult to look at the issue apart from our emotions and discuss it purely rationally. I understand this.
  • Cheating is absolutely pervasive. It happens more than we could possibly imagine and we can never know the real number of this highly secretive activity; yet a bit of logic suggests it is astronomically high.
  • In rare, “though protesteth too much” form, many of those who are most vocal and intolerant of cheaters, likely struggle the most with it. I do not say they cheat (though likely do) they just really want to.
  • Finally, I ask why do we harbor such gross intolerance over a behavior that most everyone struggles with at some level? Many people would rather divorce or break up than to work through the psycho dynamics of “cheating,” which, I argue, is a natural human propensity. Unfortunately for most, cheating is a deal breaker. I find this very unfortunate.

So Has My Position Changed Since 2015?

Yes, somewhat, and now I am a bit more nuanced in my thinking as I do so see some value in attempted monogamy. I now would liken the goal of monogamy to anything in life we strive for, even while confronting the strong probability we will not achieve it, though not due to a lack of effort. Back in the day when I ran marathons, I trained very hard full well knowing I was not going to win, but that did not stop me from trying. Attempting to win made me a better runner. More on this in a moment.

Cheating, Jealousy and Salience

I realize that at the heart of this issue lies the correlating ideas of honesty, healthy communication, betrayal, and….

Jealousy. A shit ton of jealousy. Perhaps even the very existence of cheating is driven by a very unhealthy feeling of jealousy.

Jealousy may be to cheating what overeating is to obesity. Without the former there would be no latter.

Yes, if a loved one promises you they are going to do, or not do, something and violate that something, it hurts. Yet, it only hurts to the extent we give that violation salience (meaning the level of meaning and importance we attach to it, in the sense that, “everything is what you make it”). If your loved one promised they would stop and pick up a loaf of bread on their way home from work and forget to do so, I doubt many of us would harbor deep, ill will towards that loved one. Unless, of course, we gave the act of picking up a loaf of bread great salience in the relationship. And that is our choice. And how we react to anything is ultimately our choice.

The reality is that most of us give the issue of cheating an extremely high level of relevance. It is an issue that stands out above all other potential issues in a relationship.

And it is this salience of “cheating” of which I am most fundamentally concerned.

Because we give this “violation” so much centrality, we will continue to propagate dishonesty, feelings of betrayal, jealousy and hurt.

At the core of such propagation, lies many myths surrounding the human condition. The myth of monogamy as “natural” (no need to repeat myself if you read the original blog); the myth that we are robot-like and lack real human emotion and drives; and, finally, the myth that attraction is self-generated and we are responsible for those in whom we find ourselves attracted (oooo….perhaps the notion of attraction should be my next blog….I am fascinated with it).

In addition, mainstream culture makes the mistake of assuming it. Like every other issue in a relationship, the idea of striving for monogamy (or not) must be a discussed and negotiated aspect of any mature relationship. As an old acquaintance, Cara, once told me when explaining her divorce, “We were in an open relationship. He just forgot to tell me about it.”

Now Back To My Change.

As previously stated, I am not suggesting AT ALL that striving for monogamy cannot be a great discipline and, in many cases could be the gold standard for many couples (conceding that every relationship is different and we must honor the uniqueness for every couple to define their relationship in their own way). It may be the striving after monogamy that keeps us separate from most other animal species. I absolutely concede that there may be a lot of value in attempting it…perhaps this is where I differ most from 2015 Jimmy.

Now, that said, the problem lies not in our attempt to pull-off a feat that is quite unnatural (monogamy), it is our reaction when one engages in an act that is very natural (an extra relational affair). Rather than ending a relationship for attempting something many would consider quite noble, perhaps we should recognize the virtue of attempting it. Or at least we need to be understanding of it. Or, dare I suggest forgiving of it? Hell, maybe we can use it to make us stronger, to help redefine our relational identity and objectives. Yes, navigating the waters of trust building and reconciliation can be very, very difficult yet we can hope that our love will overcome the transgression of a human acting like a human.

Why? Who knows? You may be the next one to succumb to your human instincts. And who will need understanding and forgiveness then?

Alright, I know most of you reading this probably disagree with me. Say what you want, at least I’m somewhat consistent. Now check back with me in another 5 years for, “Cheating 2025.” At this rate, I may be pushing celibacy.

 

 

 

jimmysintension

5 Comments

  1. “I now would liken the goal of monogamy to anything in life we strive for, even while confronting the strong probability we will not achieve it, though not due to a lack of effort.” I like the idea of STRIVING for monogamy (if monogamy is a goal for you and your partner) instead of making this “unbreakable” promise leaving no room for the human condition. The only problem I have with this concept is the idea of going into the commitment with this mindset leaves a little too much room for mistakes in my opinion. When I set a goal for myself I don’t think to myself “their is a strong probability I will fail” because (in my mindset) I am already leaving wiggle room to do just that. I know couples who have gotten in blow out fights around things like forgetting the bread on the way home but the fight was not about the bread. It was about an underlying feeling of not being able to depend upon their partner. It was many forgotten loaves of bread that accumulated. With cheating, a lot of the time, the trust is being chipped away in more than just one act. It would be nice to just decide i’m not going to let this ruin a relationship but I think it comes down to both parties willingness to look at their part and their capacity to truly forgive the other for the trust that was broken. My beliefs, cheating is not okay. It is not an innocent lie. If all the people that work so hard to hide this lie worked just as hard to look at the “why” behind their desire to cheat and chose to communicate their needs to their partner I believe a much more fruitful outcome could be found.

  2. I’m not sure I agree with you regarding monogamy being unnatural although I have been “unfaithful” in both of my marriages. I guess I just don’t see most of my acquaintances being as “active”. I do have one issue with the term “cheating” or “being unfaithful” in that I do see a difference between having a casual friendship with persons of the opposite sex versus having a physical relationship. Again, some of my “friendships” lead to physical relationships, but , to me, that’s beside the point. I just don’t believe most people are as big of a shit as I am/ have been.

    • Thank you for your responses Don and Emily. Emily, I agree with everything you have stated with one caveat. Hundreds of thousands of people run marathons every year full well knowing they are not going to win because their goal is not winning…though it would be nice if they did. They reap all the benefits of a marathon sans the victory. The fundamental perspective of your comment (“The only problem I have with this concept is the idea of going into the commitment with this mindset leaves a little too much room for mistakes in my opinion. When I set a goal for myself I don’t think to myself “their is a strong probability I will fail” because (in my mindset) I am already leaving wiggle room to do just that.”) is that cheating is purely a matter of will power. I would suggest that if this is so, have you already not cheated in the sense you really want to but do not? Yes, wanting to sleep with or date someone else is technically NOT cheating, though if you WANT to do it, what does that say about the quality of your primary relationship in the first place? It suggests you are normal. I would suggest that we all need to accept ourselves first and foremost as human beings AND OF COURSE we are going to have a propensity to sleep with other people at some level. You may give into that urge or not, yet it only points to the fact you are normal. Why can’t we treat it as such? Because we have placed such a stigma on it, it forces people to lie and be dishonest. If no stigma, then no lies.

      Don…wow. Thank you for you honesty. It truly saddens me that you think of yourself as a piece of shit, past and/or present. I respectfully disagree with you Don…everyone is just a big “piece of shit” as you are. Perhaps all of this simply boils down to the salience of having sex with someone. We love to romanticize sex as an expression of love and such, and it certainly can be, though, in the end, we are all just animals and sex is a necessary component for the propagation of the species. It’s what we do and we are good at it, for the most part. Though I do have my off days 🙂

  3. Very interesting take on this concept of cheating. Of course, I do have to disagree with you on this. I don’t think monogamy is “unnatural.” I think our true intent is to be with one person at a time, or maybe thats just my belief. I believe that the topic you are speaking on is much more complex than you may even realize. What you are preaching in this article, is to do the thing that’s easy even at the cost of the heart of another person. Which is truly selfish in my opinion, and shows a great deal about someone’s character. The real issue that needs to be addressed is a lack of self control. Since you chose to use the analogy of your significant other not picking up a loaf of bread and compared it to the idea that cheating doesn’t need to bother us if we don’t let it, I am going to give you one of my own. You say that, “If your loved one promised they would stop and pick up a loaf of bread on their way home from work and forget to do so, I doubt many of us would harbor deep, ill will towards that loved one. Unless, of course, we gave the act of picking up a loaf of bread great salience in the relationship. And that is our choice. And how we react to anything is ultimately our choice,” but what if I were to use that same analogy but about children? I believe that each and every person is inherently sinful, like it or not. As kids grow they have a tendency to scream, cry, and hit when not given a specific thing that they desire, until they have been taught otherwise. I think of your argument in the same way. Just because you feel that it is our natural right to do as we please in a relational and sexual way does not necessarily mean it’s the right thing by any means, just like a child’s desire to have ice cream for breakfast and to stay up until 2 am playing video games is in the same way, not right. Our natural instinct sometimes leads us to make bad decisions, but as we grow we are taught to do the right thing. I think that this article is entirely missing the mark of truly loving someone selflessly and unconditionally. You may be holding up to this idea that cheating is natural but some things just aren’t meant to be overlooked, or compared to the action of forgetting to pick up a loaf of bread lol.

  4. Ok, there are a couple things I want to dissect here.
    First of all, I want to say that I do not condone cheating, as I have been cheated on before and it fucking sucks. As a gay man, I like to think I am coming from a different perspective though. The time I was cheated on that I am referring to was in high school with my first boyfriend. To make a long story short, I was the first man he had ever dated and I was ok with that. (BIG MISTAKE)
    He ended up cheating on me with a girl and did not find it to be a problem because it was with a girl and not a guy. If anything, I was more hurt. I can compete with a man but I can not compete with a woman. Anatomically we are not the same and I can not offer a man what a woman can.
    I don’t mean to give the gays a bad reputation but I would like to think we do things a little bit different.
    Sorry Jimmy, I am going to give you a little gay sex 101.
    There are tops and there are bottoms, the top is the one who gives and the bottom receives. It is very common in the gay community for two tops or two bottoms to get into a relationship and bring in the missing link (top or bottom) from time to time to complete the puzzle. What I am trying to get at is that I don’t think I would be so upset if my boyfriend cheated on me with another man as opposed to a woman.
    Like you said, why give the act of cheating so much power?
    As humans, we are constantly evolving and changing learned behaviors.
    Look at homophobia, slavery, racism, the Holocaust, all horrific things that have happened in the past that we have grown out of and strived to change.
    I recently wrote an essay on why prostitution should be legal and one of my main points is we need to normalize it.
    Sex is natural, without sex, we would not be here. But the Bible teaches us that sex is only used for reproductive purposes and that monogamy is the way to go. How many things has the Bible gotten wrong?
    Our culture has taught us to shun Sex Workers and deem them immoral but in reality, everyone is having sex and being promiscuous. Why shouldn’t they reap the benefits.
    Now just because everyone does something doesn’t make it ok but it also doesn’t mean you have to bash someone because you have an opposing point of view or values.
    One other thing I wanted to bring up is in your first blog about cheating, you mentioned how prisoners get punished for their crimes but some still repeat their offenses so is punishment really effective? I totally agree with you on that, people are going to do what they want to do. My brother has been two jail 4 times and is now in prison. Why because despite all the punishment he’s received, he is going to do what he wants to do.
    Lastly, just one thing I wanted to add, I don’t believe in marriage because I feel like it puts too much pressure on the relationship. People spend years trying not to fuck up and make the other person happy and they end up losing themselves. Why should you start such an exciting union with promises you can not keep? People find ways to cheat, new lies, involve others in their web of despair all because they couldn’t keep a promise they should have never made in the first place. Instead you should enjoy each others company and live in the moment. Shit is bound to hit the fan and you are going to face some struggles, but with open and honest communication, anything can be solved.
    Sorry if this came off blabby but I had a lot to say lol.

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